In your first pitch, it’s too vague, especially where you refer to Narnia and Beauty of the Beast. I have a fienelg you are so comfortable and familiar with your topic, that this makes sense to you, but it might sail over the head of an editor. WHO: What is your character’s name? How old is she (teen is vague and may address more than one market)? PS: Eliminate words like “she finds herself”. Speak in an active voice, rather than passive. Fourteen-year-old Sophie is transported from New York City to a 16th century medieval fantasy kingdom. She is captured as a slave and forced to sail to the dungeons of Fredoria. Her captor, Thunder Blackjaw, becomes her ally. Sophie strives to find her way home, but fears she’ll leave her heart behind. The above is brief and address the WHO, the what is the SITUATION, and the heart of the CONFLICT in the overall story. Your second pitch is much more compelling. It addresses WHO will benefit, as well as what value they will take away. Be prepared for follow up questions!